Obviously, far worse things can happen at a Walmart than a drunk woman peeing on the potatoes. Still, we can’t really have that.
Last week, police outside Pittsburgh put out a screengrab of a Walmart security camera shot of a woman suspected of peeing on the potatoes in the produce section of the store earlier. The woman was spotted by a store employee who insists she saw what she saw. And it’s not like you would mistake a woman especially squat-squirting a pile of potatoes for any other known human activity.
The images from the store security camera must’ve gotten around something fierce because the female pee-on-potato bandit turned herself into the West Mifflin Police Department not long after the story went viral. I am the pee monster, she declared to the officers. Or maybe not, but that would’ve been amazing.
Grace Brown, 20, was charged with a series of crimes including Criminal Mischief, Open Lewdness, Disorderly Conduct and Public Drunkenness. None of which carry the Death Penalty as they will when I am King of the Universe. At least the peeing on produce crimes.
Naturally, Walmart was forced to issue multiple statements regarding their prohibition on customers urinating on their fruits and vegetables and assured the public they cleaned everything up to a microbial perfection. Though obviously, they can’t control the farmhands shitting on the taters out in the field.
This latest rash of idiotic young women mostly doing disturbing things to food at box stores is a pretty nasty trend. We’ve all peed in silly places when drunk. Not necessarily into other people’s food products. That’s worth a few nights in the clink and some community service cleaning out public toilets. You’ll get all the pee you need wiping down some Pittsburgh park latrines, Gracie dear.