You can only blame alcohol so much in the conveyance of crimes. Certainly, it’s the elixir of very poor decisions. Three young British women decided to take a soccer (football) player home from a bar and make the rest of his evening rather memorable in a disturbing and demeaning kind of way.

Brogan Gillard, Paige Cunningham. and Shannon Jones, all early 20-something English girls, encouraged a 20-year old sportsman back to one of their flats where the proceeded to ply him with vodka until he passed into semi-consciousness. At which point the ladies began a bizarro Where the Wild Things Are rumpus, including cutting up vegetables over his limp body, producing a pair of scissors to cut his hair, and eventually surrendering to the evening’s momentum and pushing things up his ass. The unnamed victim claims to recall the sensation, though not the pain. Read that as you will. The local magistrate read it as sexual assault and one very poor use of onions in a time of dearth.

Shannon Jones did bad things with vegetables to one poor bloke picked at random.
Shannon Jones did bad things with vegetables to one poor bloke picked at random.

The bright bulb girl gang might’ve got away with their shenanigans had they not filmed their criminal bacchanalia. Ah, millennials. They simply can’t not record their doings, even their wrongdoings.

With little room to defend themselves, the three women copped to most of the charges and face sentencing in January. They’re currently signing their names to the sexual offenders list. You probably never would casually ask a man what he did to be a part of that list, but you might a woman. When the response from these three ladies comes back, you’ll realize that the world is far bleaker than you ever imagined. Also, people play with their food way too much.