Catherine Kieu, Penis Killer

Catherine Kieu is a name many of you are probably unfamiliar with. But if you have a penis, you should probably memorize that name. Say it in your sleep. Avoid the owner of it at all costs. She is truly your boogeyman. You likely know where this is going already, but just in case not, allow us to fill you in.

The southern California woman had a difference of opinion with her husband as they were going through their divorce. In 2011, after two years of marriage, she drugged her husband’s food one night — Ambien, it really works! — and got into an argument. When he went to sleep later that night, she spread-eagled him to the four corner bedposts and went to work.

But before you think what Kieu did was standard run-of-the-mill Lorena Bobbitt stuff, not so fast. She wanted to make sure that her husband never used that thing again, so she marched his severed member over to the garbage disposal, and please, for the love of God, don’t make me say the rest.

The victim’s bleeding was described by CNN as “profuse” — ya think? — and efforts to save the penis were unsuccessful, which is sad, but, really, what kind of penis would that guy’ve had if it could have been reattached. Sometimes nothing is better than something.

In the end, the courts went really hard on Kieu as they probably should have. She received a life sentence for the crime. But the very thought of her makes us want to sleep with one eye open, the door shut, and facedown.

The bizarre thing about the whole affair is that the fight that triggered Kieu appeared to be over, simply, whether the man’s friend could come stay with them at a later date.

Just in case you’re wondering, the pair are no longer married. Apparently nothing says divorce like jail and dismemberment.

(Featured Image: Orange County Sheriff’s Office)