Mary Beth Haglin has managed to rise above the mass of female teacher sex cases. Her good looks and media self-promotion haven’t hurt in that regard. That included an interview on Inside Edition and on Dr. Phil where she admitted to having had sex with her seventeen year old student at Washington High School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa “hundreds of times”. She also copped to working as a stripper named “Bambi” since being forced to resign her teaching position. Those shocking accounts along with some salacious photos she shared with her secret teen lover and you have the making of a teacher sex crimes media rockstar. Don’t hate the times we live in, embrace the lunacy.

Haglin’s defense initially revolved around her being the victim of seduction by a very amorous and romantically aggressive teen boy. Haglin pointed to an endless number of come-on letters, emails, and even Post-It notes the boy would leave for her with Hallmark rejected lines such as:

‘I love the way you smell like pizza. It drives me crazy wanting a piece of the crust.’

How could a woman resist? Everybody loves the crust.

Haglin was eventually busted when her underaged boyfriend started sharing the nude photos she’d been sending him because, teenage boys. A female student at the school, let’s call her Ms. Nosy Nosybody for lack of a more descriptive name, informd her mom what was going on between Ms. Haglin and student. That led to a call to the principal and a rapid sequence of familiar events leading to Haglin’s firing and arrest. A number of school administrators were also forced to resign when it turned out they had been informed of rumors regarding Haglin’s illicit activities months earlier and did zippo about it. Ah, the halcyon days of early 2016 when principals could look the other way on female teacher sex scandals.

Prosecutors had initially charged Haglin with misdemeanor offenses. Until she upped the ante by appearing on Dr. Phil and copping to “hundreds of times”. Hoisted by her own fake TV shrink petard. The D.A. raised the charges to felony sex crimes. Haglin faced up to five years in jail, though this week the judge settled on three months in the can and Haglin registering as a sex offender. That means she’ll never work as a teacher again, though her stripping rates trebled. The general public seemed outrage by the minor jail time, while the subset of men among them silently wondered as to what horrible crime had been committed and felt very jealous of the student victim.

Thus ends the tale of the lingerie clad Mary Beth Haglin and her student lover of voracious sexual appetites. You know, unlike other teen boys who pen sonnets about pizza and love. Every body dreams of constant sex with their hot and emotionally disturbed female teacher. In ways, it’s comforting to know we haven’t evolved a wit since the dawn of time. That way you know everybody is faking when they act shocked.