This story truly has all the elements I look for in a Florida crime drama. A nineteen year old girl. Her boyfriend of enough years to make it creepy as to how old she was when they started dating. A routine first name misspelled enough to make it sound not elegant. And a mother making out with her daughter’s boyfriend leading to a physical altercation and an arrest. Why did Cops ever feel a need to film outside of Florida?

Breanua Bolton went to visit her mom in Tampa only to find her sitting on Breanua’s boyfriend’s lap making out with her daughter’s beau. To be fair, Breanua and her boyfriend had recently broken up, though apparently that does not immediately null and void the unwritten rule against mom moving in for the leftovers.

As any Florida woman would, Breanua broke in through a window of the home and proceeded to shove her ex-boyfriend off his “love seat” and wallop him in the shnozz a few times. Every home in Florida has 9-1-1 on speed dial as they call on average each eleven times per day to report a domestic situation. Cops arrived and arrested Breanua and charged her with domestic battery. Also having a stupid name, though that easily could’ve been pinned on her slutty mother as well. The tears and screaming and redneck insults you’ll have to intuit for yourself.

If there’s any lesson here it’s that nobody can hurt you quite like family. Mom’s are supposed to be there for you during the breakups and abortions and stranded at the altar moments because you’re boyfriend is in the drunk tank in Tallahassee. Not deep into foreplay with the man who recently broke your heart. Also, not everything should be a crime. Why can’t you punch your ex-boyfriend for macking on your mom? In the least, that seems deserved. More so than the tens of hours and thousands of dollars this case will now cost the local taxpayers of Tampa. That’s money that’s supposed to go to city councilmen to spend at strip clubs. Nobody understands civic responsibility any longer.

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